Chapter 1
"I'm
not having second thoughts, Alex. I think I'd describe
them as first thoughts. More
accurate that way."
"Okay,
Marta, then don't go having first
thoughts on me. Not now, please. We're too close to
launch, and that means you can't back out. Not now."
"What?
You rewrote my contract? If I remember correctly, it specifically states I can
drop out at any time. Right up until...you know."
"But
you're the most experienced doctor in the bunch...and the best gene juggler we
have. I... need you."
"Thanks
for the vote of confidence, but my contract-"
"Will
you forget the contract for a minute? What about the crew...the mission?"
"The
devil with the mission, Alex. Oh, it's a grand idea,
and it may even have some purpose to it...maybe, but I'm having a hard time
finding it right now. It's the crew...they're the only reason I'm still here,
otherwise I'd have been gone the first time I realized what I was actually
doing."
"Well,
I'm glad to hear you're still thinking about the crew."
"I
imagine some might say it's my mother instinct at work."
Mother
instinct? You?
"This
instinct, whatever it is, is going to keep you in the flight?"
"It
has...up until now."
"Wonderful.
How about I buy you dinner? We can suck up some sweet yummy to finish it off.
They have real fruits and stuff here."
"Why
not? Besides, we should do it now or we won't be able
to. Can't eat for thirty-six hours before going into
stasis. That reminds me of a phrase I heard a long time ago...or maybe I read
it. I don't remember which. It went something like,
'The condemned ate a hearty-'"
"Stop
it, Marta."
"That
an order, ma'am?"
"No."
"Good.
'Into the valley of death rode-'"
"Marta!"
The
two of them, dressed in the bright yellow and rich brown uniform reserved for
members of the Finder Flights, turned into a passage marked "OBS DK & OFF LOUNGE." A
yellow bar below the sign warned, "High
rad levels inside lounge shield-tags are available at the bar."
Working
asteroid Medevac required an unflinching will to survive, coupled with the
nerve to stare death in the infinite depth of its eyes-and a dedication tough
to find anywhere in the SESC. Although she didn't look
it, Dr. Marta Lavan had all
that and much more. She'd served out there among the
Belt mines for five years before signing up for the Finder mission and earned
the Distinguished Service Stripe to prove it.
Anyone
seeing those bright red bars stroked across her shoulder boards knew
immediately that she was no virgin to the rigors of space, yet she had one
weakness she couldn't shake. Moving scenes, like the
one displayed in the huge ports lining the planet side of the lounge, caused
her to respond with a severe reaction that demanded the entire contents of her
stomach be expelled instantly and violently without regard to where she was, or
in whose company.
Lead
Officer Alexandra Guzman-Pax, well aware of the
doctor's vertigo, took no offense when her junior officer charged in ahead of
her. Lavan kept her eyes on the neutral gray carpet like a fastidious housemaid looking for lint.
She wobbled a little as she went, and secured a chair with its back to half a
Jupiter slowly turning in three directions at once-four if you counted the
imperceptible lateral drift of the station.
JS9
was set in a polar orbit that revolved axially once in the Jovian year. The
axial drift kept the station out of the shadow of the planet. The drift was so
slow it had no effect on Lavan's churning gut, but
the axis of the station was pointed directly at the planet's center and the rotation of JS9 caused the planet to tumble
in slow motion. That movement, combined with the natural revolution of Jupiter
about its axis and the orbital swing of the station shot straight into Lavan's vomit center.
Pax
enjoyed the vista. There were times when she would sit in the lounge for hours,
transfixed, fascinated with the beauty of it all. She slid out a chair and
turned it so she could sit looking straight at the panorama and mused for a
moment on how, from the station, Jupiter was always half planet, half ghost.
The side in shadow glowed dully from its own energy, flashes of lightning
giving it the look of deeply dark brown velvet with tiny diamonds sparkling on
it. At JS9's tremendous distance from the planet the entire thing and most of
its moons were visible, particularly the larger ones, which added greatly to Lavan's problem. Lavan, on the
other side of the table, kept her eyes fixed firmly on the non-reflective
surfaces of the bar.
The
lighting in the lounge was diffused and cast almost no shadows on Lavan's girlish features. Pax could not help noticing that Lavan's turned-up nose was still not quite a nose; like a
small child's it appeared to be developing into one but wasn't
quite there. She had deeply dimpled cheeks, lightly dusted with soft freckles,
and large eyes of watery blue, dotted loosely with purple flecks. Here and
there a silver strand peeked from beneath her short-cropped golden red hair,
doing little to lessen the baby-girl effect.
"Well,
Marta, tomorrow we do it," Pax said, motioning to a waiter who had
expertly ignored their entrance.
"Huh?
Oh...right...tomorrow," Lavan said, while she
traced little looping patterns with an unpainted fingernail on the glossy black
table top.
She
never uses cosmetics...adds to that just-out-of-puberty look. One of these days
I'm going to have to talk to her about that. How does
she ever get anyone to take her seriously-or to bed, for heaven's sake?
"Okay,
what's troubling you, Marta?"
"Nothing...and
everything. I'm thinking about what we're getting
ready to do. How wonderfully exciting it all is...and how dreadfully permanent.
You know, just sorting through things one last time...before you pull the
trigger."
That's novel. Like I'm holding a gun to all our heads...and I'm the one who has
the pleasure of deciding when to pull the trigger. Great, Marta.
"Mm-hmm,
I understand."
Sorting
through things one more time. Permanent.
"I'm
going over a couple of hours early. You're welcome to accompany me, if you'd like. That way you can keep your eyes closed
during the transfer. Where is that waiter?"
"He
ducked into the kitchen a minute ago. He'll be back.
Why?"
"Because
I'm hungry, Marta."
"No,
that's not what I meant. Why go over early?"
"Oh,
that."
Were
her jitters as obvious as Lavan's? Pax tacked a note
to her mental bulletin board to be a little more guarded in the future.
"I
need to check the Rammix set-up again, and I found
some anomalous readings on the hydrogen injector section of the guide tube
field generator yesterday. I also want to make a pre-launch rock...and I think
it's going to be a long one."
"Where's
the sense in that, Alex? The pre-launch crystal, I mean. We're
not coming back...and no one is
going to come get us. That's what I was trying to tell
you. This is a one-way trip, Alex."
Pax
fixed her iron gray eyes on Lavan
and deep furrows traveled across her forehead. She
felt the hint of a tic coming, looked back to the half a Jupiter hanging in the
ports and ran the heel of her right hand across her right eye.
Lavan had a point and it struck at
Pax's solar plexus like her mother's fist. There was no coming back for any of
them...ever. Even the shorter Finder Flights were strictly a one-way
proposition.
Dreadfully
permanent.
And
if anything went wrong? No rescue, no return.
Why
do you have to talk about these things, Marta?
"I
thought I'd make one for them," Pax said, and waved her hand in what she
thought was the general direction of their destination. "Just in
case."
Yeah, just in case. Just in case we all die in stasis and
the Rammix takes us in on automatic like it was
programmed to do.
"Uh-huh.
That's a truly noble gesture, Alex, and I'm sure
they'll appreciate it. That is, if anyone is home. Have you thought much about
that? What if no one is there?"
No,
she hadn't thought about it. At least, she hadn't thought about it very much at the conscious level. It
was presented as one of the possible mission worst-case scenarios, and Whitaker
had gone over all the various reasons it might be so in excruciatingly morbid
detail...more than once. It just hadn't found a very
high position on her list of concerns. Lavan had,
with a simple statement, bounced it into the number one slot.
That
is, if anyone is home.
The
waiter finally came out of hiding and, to Pax's relief, headed for their table.
Their
meal passed in a somber silence while half a Jupiter
and its ghost partner peered through the ports at them.
Pax
heard Jupiter whispering to her, "Hey,
Pax, look at me. Take a good look. Aren't I enough evidence that you can't live just anywhere you want? If they had landed here...there
would be no one home."
Dispassionate and cold...tumbling, the
cloudy giant chided, mocked her with frigid indifference.
Their
time together was friendly enough, even pleasant, but the two of them didn't have much to say. Both were immersed in their
private, deep places sorting things through that one last time before she gave
the Rammix the commit codes; before she pulled the trigger.
Pax's
nerves were all standing at attention.
Suppose
there isn't anyone there?
During
times of high stress, and this was decidedly one of those, Pax had the nasty
habit of dwelling on unhappy pasts. Her mind flew backward to the time when the
relationship with her mother had gone from awful to unbearable. Her mother had
been inexplicably abusive during her childhood, but her father had always been
there to intercede before one of them turned up dead.
Eight
days before her twelfth birthday, it all went to hell when a Sub caught her
father at the entrance to one of the Undercities and, cease-fire or not, the
Sub killed him with no more passion than if he had smashed a bug, such was
their hatred of the Hifolk. There had been an uneasy
peace for a few years, but the Subs routinely, gleefully murdered Hifolk whenever the opportunity presented itself. After
that day, her mother transcended the boundary between mean and vicious.
Pax
left Sydney Center at fifteen, because she could take no more. After
contemplating a thousand ways to dispose of her mother she was unable to decide
whether it was fear of incarceration and psyche adjustment or moral decency
that stayed her hand. She made her way to the California Archipelago on money
she had appropriated from her
mother's account and, when she arrived, she joined the Surface Earth Space
Corps. After that, contact with her mother had been rare but, when it occurred,
it was never pleasant.
She
felt guilty about taking the money she'd needed for
her adventure. To atone for that sin, she assigned half her pay to her mother
as a dependent. Although it eased Pax's conscience, it did absolutely nothing
for their relationship; watering a dead tree would have been just as productive.
Then,
when the SESC announced they were seeking volunteers for the Finder Flights,
she was one of the first to sign on. The SESC set up a fund for the dependents
of participants in the program. It was a fraction of what she had been sending
her mother before but, in Pax's mind, it was something and something was more
than nothing, certainly more than her mother deserved. She called home to tell
her mother about the mission and the fund. She had no idea why.
"Fine.
First, you steal from me, then you take away what little I get," her
mother had said. "All those years of sacrificing what I could have had to
raise you, and this is the payback. Well, go right ahead, you stupid,
ungrateful little witch. Throw away a good career and leave me alone with nothing.
I don't care. I'll...I'll
insure you up to your cute, thieving little fanny and come out just fine-just
fine. You're all going to die, you know. You're all
going to...die." Then she had broken into one of her usual crying fits,
and Pax had terminated the call before she could have made it any worse.
She
should have known better than to call in the first place, but she thought
maybe...maybe what? What was it she really wanted...? A chance at
reconciliation? It was a shame to have to remember her mother like that. Venom.
All venom and hatred. They'd had no contact since that
night six years ago. Six years. She fought back the urge to send a message.
Forget
it and don't pick at the scab. Why should I bleed
without reason? She won't be able to reach me where
I'm going...won't be able to hurt me after the trigger gets pulled. Not even
with words. Never again. I just wish I could get rid of these lousy memories.
Knowing
her mother, she'd probably followed through with the
insurance thing and not bothered reading the conditions on the policy that
anyone would write for members of the Finder Flights. What a shock she was
going to get when she found out that the policy would not activate until the Rammix failure code reached Earth. For Pax's flight that
would be a minimum of three hundred fifty years, if ever. An award to be paid
out to the descendants of...
Insure
me up to my what?
Pax
chuckled quietly, took the last spoonful of a real strawberry parfait in her mouth and rolled it around while she wondered if she would make a good mother.
Forget
that. I am not the mother type.
"What?
What's so funny, Alex?"
"Bittersweet.
You wouldn't understand."
"You
never know. Try me?"
"Not
this time, Marta. Someday we'll talk about it, maybe.
Well, how about it? Are you going over with me in the morning, or do you want
to chance it on your own?"
Lavan fired a glance over her
shoulder. The silhouette of Hermes'
long, needle-like particle impact shield cone pierced the planet's limb like a
great, black lance and reflected sunlight gave the rest of the ship confusing
form but no detail. Lavan gripped the edge of the
table, her knuckles growing white, and snapped her gaze back to the solid
security of the interior bulkheads. She was trembling and seconds passed before
she spoke.
"With,
of course. You think I'm nuts?"
A
couple of gray-shirts from Station Security Control
were staring...no, leering at them. It had started when Pax and Lavan had taken their table, and the gray-shirts
were still doing it, saying a few words to one another
and pointing frequently with their eating utensils. The distinctive uniforms of
Finder Flight personnel had drawn a more than welcome amount of attention in
the first couple of years. Mainly, it had been driven by curiosity about the
mission, but it had waned quickly until it became a rarity. Occasionally
someone would approach with a few stupid questions or an inane comment and that
was all right, but the looks from these two were disturbing. There was
something different about them, and Pax didn't like it.
She could no longer ignore them.
"Excuse
me, Marta. I'll be right back."
Lavan said nothing, just started
tracing those little loops again as Pax stood and walked straight to the gray-shirts in the corner. They shriveled
like cockroaches caught when the lights come on, but there was no place for
them to scurry. They were trapped in a corner with nowhere to hide.
"Good
evening, gentlemen," Pax said.
"Good
evening, ma'am," they answered in unison.
"I
couldn't help noticing your intense interest in us. Is there something in particular you'd like to know, something you'd like to
say?"
"No,
ma'am. We were just..." the senior of the two began.
"We
were just wondering how-"
"Shut
up, Mel."
"No,
no, it's all right. Let him speak. You were wondering what, Mel?"
"Well,
ma'am, we were wondering what sort of insane LO would take a crew of three
hundred on a suicide run for nothing?"
He
sneered at Pax as he spoke, and she wished he hadn't
done that. It wasn't what he said, but how it was
said. Her nostrils flared, and her temperature rose as fast as the hair at her
nape. Her left hand, fingers rigid as concrete pillars, automatically shot into
the nerve bundle at the base of Mel's neck. He dropped face down onto his plate
of synthoysters.
The
other man recoiled and moved up fast with a fist aimed for Pax's jaw, when a
flash of yellow and brown came in from his right side. An injector expertly
tapped his jugular. He crumpled like a ruptured p-suit, and the inertia of his
intended sucker punch sent him sprawling to the deck a couple of meters beyond
their table.
Other
gray-shirts in the lounge rose but made no
threatening moves. It was more as if they wanted a better view of the expected
carnage. When they could see no blood being pumped into the carpet, they
returned to whatever it was they'd been doing before
the two ladies from Finder had taken out a pair of the station's huskier
security officers without so much as a slight struggle.
"I'm
sorry, Marta. I don't know why I did that...it just happened."
"I
know exactly why, and, believe me, it was the best thing you could have done
for yourself. As for him," Lavan said, pointing
to the fellow with his face in fake oysters, "anyone who can eat those things deserves whatever
happens." She stepped over the bag of rags spread out on the deck and
looked down at him. "And this one is going to be one sick puppy when he
wakes up. I think now is a good
time for us to get out of here."
"Right.
What was that stuff you used on him?"
"Two
cc's of Tentanthocaine. Just short of enough to drop
a stag in rut."
***
Pax
drifted through the command module iris and slipped into her seat as smoothly
as her shell would permit. In front of her was a console crammed with rows of
glowing switches and monitors, displaying the myriad bits of information
required to run a ship as complicated as the Hermes.
It
required a little effort, but Pax managed to get the pressure shell pushed into
the depressions designed to accept the bulky suit of armor.
She connected the loose hoses protruding from the seat's broad arms to the
proper receptors on her shell. Valves chattered uncertainly, then clicked. A
soft hiss followed while ship's breathing gas began to replace the stale smell
of the shell's internal air supply.
Pax
paused to take a few deep breaths of the cool, sweet mix before shoving the
shell's main umbilical into the receiver at the base of the console in front of
her. The reflection of the iris on the inside of her faceplate contracted,
sealing her off from the others, away from...everything. She was part of the Hermes now, and it was a part of her. So
it would remain until they, Pax and the Rammix, were
satisfied that all was functioning properly. Then she would meet with Lavan, and they would join the crew in cryogenic limbo.
"Good
morning, Alex," the Rammix said. "Bio and
neuro scans indicate a reasonable level of pre-launch dynamics. All readings
are within SESC tolerance."
It
sounded to her as if the Rammix enjoyed telling her
it knew she was nervous. She checked her biomonitor
before answering. All her markers were creeping up into the yellow.
Calm
down, Alex. Get a grip on yourself.
"Good
morning to you, Rammix. Thank you for belaboring the obvious. How are we doing? Is everything on
schedule?"
"Making
adequate allowance for the human element, yes. Dr. Lavan has not connected to me, but that is an expected
delay. Cryo sections D-9 and F-15 did not power up
correctly, and she is in the process of making manual adjustments. I offered to
do it for her, but she declined. I do not think she trusts me, Alex. The
remainder of the crew is now forty percent into the long-term stasis cycle, and
all readings are within the proper range."
"Good,
Rammix. I guess we're about ready to go then."
"Yes,
Alex. I will begin the start-up sequence when you are ready. Will you be making
a pre-launch personal?"
"Yes,
Rammix, I will. Load my crystal and clear from me
for...oh, say two hours. I'll dictate the commit codes when I have
finished."
To
say what she wanted would take an hour or less, but it wouldn't
hurt to have the additional time available. Her throat felt dry. Tight.
Is
that nerves or the onboard gas mix? Probably both.
She
called extra fluid to the affected area. Pax cleared her throat and sat
motionless, watching a soft blue light winking hypnotically on the panel over
her head. The light told her it was all right to begin...but the words wouldn't come. She'd had them, but
they had escaped to...somewhere. She coughed softly, reduced the fluid flow to
her throat, and fidgeted.
Well,
let's get started here.
Pax
squirmed as much as the shell would permit until she found a position more to
her liking. The shell felt uncomfortable, hot and
tight fitting...but that was impossible.
It's not the suit...I'm the one
who's out of whack. I'm scared to death.
She
concentrated on her breathing first.
Get
it under control. Breathe in slow and deep. Use your nasal passages. Out
through the mouth...nice and easy. I have to be
careful not to get too much oxygen.
Her
respiration moderated to a short-of-panic rate, and she went to work on opening up her constricted veins and capillaries for more
blood flow near the surface to carry away the excess heat.
She
couldn't will away the adrenaline. But by getting her heart slowed and keeping
everything else in check, it would be absorbed soon enough. If she had less
experience in these techniques, it would have been an exercise in self-defeat
as frustration mounted with the effort. Slowly, steadily, her concentration
began to produce the desired effects. The satisfaction she felt knowing that
the Rammix wasn't going to
come charging in to take over when her readings bumped up against some
predetermined SESC threshold helped to move the process along. Pax took another
look at the biomonitor. The bright dots representing
her condition were all backing down out of the yellow. A crooked little half
smile formed on her tightly pursed lips.
The
full, naked realization of what she was about to do finally sank in. Until the
very second she'd felt that first flush and tasted the
faintly metallic tang of panic on her tongue-knew her heart and lungs were out
of synch-none of this had been real. The whole program had been a sort of
romantic, self-indulgent adventure and final escape for her. She-Alexandra
Guzman-Pax, wonder woman-was going to be one of the first. One of the first
people from Earth to meet with them-out there-an idyllic dream of reunification
with the lost ones.
Let's go into deep, deep space and
put old Humpty Dumpty together again.
What
could she have been thinking to keep her from confronting the reality of the
Finder Flight program? Through six years of study, genetic therapy, and grueling training the true nature of the program hadn't presented itself to her. Even through Lavan's remarks and those jerks from SSC.
Stupid
slobs.
She
didn't have the dedication of a Lavan.
She knew that. If the reality of the project had occurred to her any time
before this moment, she probably would have dropped out of the program. Lavan's threats to drop out were tempered by dedication and
a sense of responsibility for the crew-and by her unrelenting, dark and mischievous sense of humor.
Pax, although she had a feeling of responsibility for them, too, just didn't have Lavan's strength of
character. Now...now it was too late.
I'll be...we'll be okay. It will
only be suicide if we allow it to happen. There has to
be an acceptable way out if no one is home. What if no one is home?
She
began to talk.